Friday, September 25, 2009

Hi, I'm tired, nice to meet you.

DISCLAIMER: This is pitiful and I'm sorry to all who have stumbled across this. I just have to get it out before JM gets home so we can have a nice pleasant evening:)

I'm tired of being pregnant. I have been pregnant or nursing for like 3 years. I'm tired. I know, i chose this route but for the moment I just want to know what my pant size is for longer than a month at a time. I'm tired of not being able to bend over the tub anymore to bath my other kiddos resulting in me and the floor being soaked on a bi-nightly basis. I'm tired of wanting to sit down. I'm tired of being big enough that I look like I could deliver any day but I still have 10 weeks to go. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of never feeling like I get enough done and then feeling guilty because of it. I'm tired of laundry that multiplies over night or a sink that over flows with dishes after one meal. I'm tired of dirty floors and alphabet magnets. I'm tired of being a single parent 6 days a week. I'm tired of dinners with just me and two silly kids. I'm tired. I'm tired of having 15 pairs of shoes in my car and 2 garage bags worth of junk. I'm tired of school and I'm only taking 2 classes! I'm tired of needing help from so many people all the time and then feeling like a burden. I'm tired of not having real friends anymore. I'm tired of not being able to do anything at night because JM isn't home until 9:30 or so. I am tired of stupid TV shows. I'm tired of not making time to laugh any more... or cry for that matter. I think any show of emotion would be an improvement:) I'm tired of hoping that things will wander back into their rightful place but they never do. I'm tired of never taking time for myself but feeling like I only think of myself. I'm tired of trying to balance it all. I'm tired of feeling like I never see or get to have a real conversation with JM. We used to laugh so much. I'm tired of not relying on Jesus. I'm tired of feeling so far away. I'm tired of watching life happen and wondering if I'll ever feel apart of it again. I'm tired of the few moments that I have to really encounter God not being able to stay there as long as I want. Like I said, I'm just tired.

Please forgive me for this little outlet, I needed it for just a minute. Reality is that anytime I'm tired or frustrated all I have to do is take one look at my sweet babies and it all goes away. There is no greater reason to abandon laundry, dishes and life in general than my precious ones. I have bad days and good ones and ultimately I want to be someone who loves and appreciates them all. Everyday that I get to wake up to JM's sleepy face and hear little voices calling for mama from across the hall should be the greatest days ever. I just have to pray for grace to see the beauty and treasure in the midst of all the struggle.

Wow. How's this for a welcome back to blogging after 2 months or something!


carolineb said...

boooo poooop. I know. poooop. boooo.

Lora said...

i TOTALLY understand!! i've been there, friend. praying for you! Lora

The Wittz said...

Bekah!!!! Oh I love you and would want to be near you to be a friend to bake you some dessert, have your kiddos over with my kiddos and play worship music together- let them dance and we could watch and join in. I was just reading a Beth Moore remark from her stepping up series (doing the Psalm of the descents Psalm 120-135) and I love this phrase she has- "We are not stuck! Your circumstances will feel a whole lot better if you get in your head you are only passing through that moment. This is NOT where it will end!" This life journey we are in has so many different roads, diversions, trails that are slippery, bumpy where you have to walk slowly but praise God we are walking and making progress to eventually be with our Savior. I and slowly readin Hinds feet on High Places (its been nearly 3 month now) and I always feel like her and long to be like Much Afriad when she says "He has brought me here when I did not want to come for his own purpose. I too will look up into his face and say, "Behold me! I am thy little hand maiden Acceptance-with-Joy." Bekah I admire you as a godly mom who passionately loves the Lord. I am praying for you during this pregnancy while you are tired and know it will soon pass and perhaps it already is beginning to now. I love you tremendously!

Jen said...

Oh, I know the feeling of so much of what you said. It's good to have that outlet and let it all out. It's good to be honest! I loved the blog because I have been there and know those moments are still to come. You are doing great...keep up the good work as a wife, a mommy and enjoy the quiet moments you get with God because they last but a moment with little ones. I know!!

Jennie B said...

Every mother feels like this sometimes -- you just articulated it beautifully!

Luckily, it always gets better... :-)

Rachel said...

Man. I hear you. I did the 3 kids in 3 years thing, too. It gets better and better and better and better, I promise.

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