Hi, I'm tired, nice to meet you.

DISCLAIMER: This is pitiful and I'm sorry to all who have stumbled across this. I just have to get it out before JM gets home so we can have a nice pleasant evening:)

I'm tired of being pregnant. I have been pregnant or nursing for like 3 years. I'm tired. I know, i chose this route but for the moment I just want to know what my pant size is for longer than a month at a time. I'm tired of not being able to bend over the tub anymore to bath my other kiddos resulting in me and the floor being soaked on a bi-nightly basis. I'm tired of wanting to sit down. I'm tired of being big enough that I look like I could deliver any day but I still have 10 weeks to go. I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of never feeling like I get enough done and then feeling guilty because of it. I'm tired of laundry that multiplies over night or a sink that over flows with dishes after one meal. I'm tired of dirty floors and alphabet magnets. I'm tired of being a single parent 6 days a week. I'm tired of dinners with just me and two silly kids. I'm tired. I'm tired of having 15 pairs of shoes in my car and 2 garage bags worth of junk. I'm tired of school and I'm only taking 2 classes! I'm tired of needing help from so many people all the time and then feeling like a burden. I'm tired of not having real friends anymore. I'm tired of not being able to do anything at night because JM isn't home until 9:30 or so. I am tired of stupid TV shows. I'm tired of not making time to laugh any more... or cry for that matter. I think any show of emotion would be an improvement:) I'm tired of hoping that things will wander back into their rightful place but they never do. I'm tired of never taking time for myself but feeling like I only think of myself. I'm tired of trying to balance it all. I'm tired of feeling like I never see or get to have a real conversation with JM. We used to laugh so much. I'm tired of not relying on Jesus. I'm tired of feeling so far away. I'm tired of watching life happen and wondering if I'll ever feel apart of it again. I'm tired of the few moments that I have to really encounter God not being able to stay there as long as I want. Like I said, I'm just tired.

Please forgive me for this little outlet, I needed it for just a minute. Reality is that anytime I'm tired or frustrated all I have to do is take one look at my sweet babies and it all goes away. There is no greater reason to abandon laundry, dishes and life in general than my precious ones. I have bad days and good ones and ultimately I want to be someone who loves and appreciates them all. Everyday that I get to wake up to JM's sleepy face and hear little voices calling for mama from across the hall should be the greatest days ever. I just have to pray for grace to see the beauty and treasure in the midst of all the struggle.

Wow. How's this for a welcome back to blogging after 2 months or something!

July, where did you go?

So I looked at the calendar today and realized that July is almost gone! What the heck? Was I so busy that I missed an entire month or maybe July was just shorter this year? Whatever the reason, its almost gone, I'm kind of glad because it makes fall that much closer! I heart fall... its my fav!

Drum roll please... (where's Mikey B when you need him?)

Remembering to love

I love my kids, I mean I LOVE my kids. I really feel lost whenever I'm without either of them. Sometimes I go out with friends for a ladies night or whatever but during the majority of the evening I am thinking of my husband and my little ones. its not that I feel like they can't make it with out me or anything, I just really enjoy them and I don't want to miss opportunities to be with them and JM.
So, reality is that however much I adore these bundles, I still get frustrated and I have moments where I just want a little space. So today, as i sit here during the silence of nap time with my only companion the occasional flip flop of my lovely 3rd child, I am reminded of how life gives us no promises. God gives us promises but we have no guarantee of tomorrow. I just finished reading a blog of a friend of mine who lost her son during early labor and my heart is devastated. How does a family, who are completely excited and prepared to bring a new life into this world, handle the news that their baby, who they haven't yet met, has passed away? I don't know how a person moves on from that. I think of our bundle of fun on the way and I can't even let my mind wonder to the land of what-ifs. I can't comprehend life with out my little Zaya and Bean. So today I am reminded to live for the moments I have with my kiddos. To let Zaya wear what she wants and play the games she wants even if it makes a mess and if she has an accident, no worries, she'll potty train before she gets married, I'm sure of it. I need to let Bean get rambunctious and make a little extra noise and so what if he doesn't eat a good lunch... he won't starve and I need to just hold him if he wants to be held... he may not want to cuddle much longer. I also want to embrace being pregnant and find joy in this new life unfolding within me. I don't really enjoy being pregnant but today I will love it! I need to love every moment of my kids no matter what stage they're in... they are treasures intrusted to me and JM for a short time and I want to take it all in and not miss a moment. Maybe no more girls-night-outs for me. I'd rather be with my family:)
My babies on the train at the square... this pic is completely typical of their behavior... I love them!
With Aunt Jeannie Poo and the barn to see the horses. They LOVED it!

PS- I think we may find out if our new addition is a boy or a girl tomorrow!!!

The Beach

We took a much needed family trip to the beach this past weekend and let me say, It was AWESOME! We have never taken our kiddos to the beach (horrible, I know) and I haven't been since I was pregnant with IG so we headed off to St. Simons for a long weekend of fun! It was a huge blessing and a huge relief and our family needed to just BE together and enjoy one another. Life gets so busy sometimes and I forget how to just have fun with my family. I thank God for our wonderful kiddos who were complimented over and over again for their great behavior and cuteness. They are just good kids and they came that way! I am thankful for our sweet bundle on the way and how I haven't been sick hardly at all this pregnancy, crazy tired, but not sick:) We're going to have some wild times during next year's beach adventure! I am thankful for my wonderful husband who always puts the needs of our family first over his needs and desires. He is a perpetual giver of his time and energy and goes out of his way to make sure I have down time even when he rarely gets it... he's a great man! Most of all I am thankful for my glorious Friend who cares for every bit of my heart even when it is hard and removed. He gently draws me to himself and in that place I know that I am safe and that my heart is comletely cared for. it doesn't matter what is going on in this crazy world of joblessness, war, socialism, poverty, etc., because in His presence and in His will I am COMPLETEY safe from the chaos of this world. My God is good to me and the desire of my heart is to be as good as I possibly can to Him.

Anyway, here are some pics of my precious ones and a couple family pics:

11 weeks and counting!

So now that our Little One is 11 weeks old, i realize that we may know pretty soon what the sex is for our new little addition. I go back to see the wonderful Richard in 2 weeks and then again 4 weeks after that, we will probably know something then, or have a good idea:) Anyway, we have names picked out either way, so this will be the earliest that any of our children have had a name! I posted a poll on the right to get a good general consensus about the over all guesses of our friends. I'll let you know what JM and I think: we think Peanut is a girl BUT once I saw the ultrasound pic I wasn't all to positive any more. So I am actually undecided, JM thinks we're having a girl. What do you think?

PS- I thought Zaya and Bean were both girls... I'm not a reliable source of information:)

I should get paid more for this

This morning I am having to take Zaya to the doctor because of a reaction to some antibiotics, she has been crying for 3 days straight and hasn't eaten for four, there is a roof leak right on her bed, the plumber is supposed to be coming out to fix a faucet leak in the bathroom, I haven't had a shower, my house is a mess, I need to get together papers for medical insurance that need to be in by the 10th (I got the letter yesterday), my house is a mess and I'm hungry but nothing really sits right these days.

I need a vaction.