Thursday, February 15, 2007

You're in my world now Grandma!

I know that many people see Isaiah and say how cute she is, but let me say that they have NO IDEA how cute she really is! I know every mom feels this way and thats why I don't feel like I'm being too proud. This girl amazes me and I am completely devoted to her. I say all of this because the other night I BROKE DOWN! I don't mean a little reminiscent of how life used to be or maybe a little down because I can't eat, sleep, think, pray, talk, read, play, breathe, run, drive, shop, write blogs or have friends when I WANT to, I mean I broke down. There was a little sobbing involed, a blank stare on my face for about 48 hours, baby food on my tee-shirt that i wore for the same 48 hours, little unsolicited conversation and a whole lot of talking to God. It was so weird! I mean every time I was with Isaiah her smile would brighten my day but I felt completely alone and kind of hollow. Annie came by on Tues to bring flowers for Isaiah and me from JM for Valentines and as she left she asked if we would ever be friends again and i was like, 'I don't know, maybe one day.' There was nothing odd about that, just normal joking between friends who rarely are serious. I went inside realizing that right now I don't feel like I have the luxury of 'friends'... so i cried about it. Basically it was one big massive pity party that lasted a couple days and now looking back I wish I could have smack myself out of it! I mean seriously each of us have about 6-9 months of our lives where life is all about us and right now Isaiah has hers. I had my mine 28 years ago, why should I deny her hers? I have a JEWEL of a baby. I mean she's WONDERFUL and she is good and she is healthy, so what the heck was I complaining about?! Being a mom is such a rare opportunity to be the center of someone's world for a short time and yes, life isn't wat it was, but DANG its awesome. I love Isaiah Grace and she is worth every sacrifice and so much more and I could kick myself for acting so poorly.
Ok, for the cute stuff...
Isaiah and her cousin Selah were dedicated on Sunday... adorable! Selah is crazy and fun and Isaiah is more reserved and cautious but both are freakishly cute in their own little ways. Selah talked through the whole first part of the service and Isaiah just looked at her like 'do you realize that there are PEOPLE looking at you?' Isaiah is not one for drawing attention to her self. (She gets that from her dad.)
The girl is now a rolly-polly, she is rolling all over the place and she so fat and chubby doing it. I love her! She is munching on solids (a little bit even goes in her mouth!) and staying awake for longer stretches, life is good and I am so thankful. We read books and her fav. is a Veggie Tale book from her Aunt Jeanney Poo because its a cloth book and she can chew on while I read. Just so you know how crazy my hormones are, today I love my life, yesterday I cried. I'm a freak.
So this is my world and I love all of the people in it. i wish I could see many of them a whole lot more, but for now I'll take what I can get:)

PS: Annie, sorry you had to see me in my t-shirt covered in baby food.

Thursday, February 1, 2007

Why I wish I were an artist

I want to start by saying to is Grey's Anatomy Day! I always wake up on Thursdays with a bit of a spring in my step (even when its nasty and rainy out side ) because I know that it is the night of my favorite guilty pleasure. Sometimes I wonder if I'll feel guilty for my love of this show when I see Jesus face to face. Will I wonder why i wasted an hour every week on a mindless, silly TV show? I'm sure when i see His face i wont care about anything except that which i will be gazing upon for eternity. i wish I could see it now and then Grey's anatomy wouldn't be so exciting and I would wake up everyday pumped that 'today i get to see my Jesus' face'. Sadly enough i still settle for an hour of witty coments, sexual relationships and few operations thrown in for good measure. I wish I were more holy. I admire the people who don't have TVs and just enjoy those around them.
Last night after nursing, I held a beautiful sleeping baby in my arms. My breath was taken away by the way light rested on her sweet skin and the shadows gave her features greater definition. At that moment I would have given any talent I have to be able to paint a picture of that face. Just that one and that one moment in time. It was the sweetest and at the same time the strongest fase i have ever seen. it made me realize that i have a daughter who is mine for a time but who has a life of her own given to her by God. He will guide her and she will have to strength to stand for what is true. My daughter is strong, her life will change others, she has a destiny and a future that is her own. Thats why I wish I were an artist becuase for this moment in time she needs to be held and I can gaze on her sweet face in the silences of the night but it won't last forever. i just want to remember.
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