Friday, June 4, 2010
I feel alive. I feel like God has heard us. I feel like he is smiling, for the first time in, dang I don't even remember how long its been. I have always known that we are a family that has lived in the blessing of the Lord. He has been gracious to us, when we have run away, and even when I have turned my back on him. Who is this God that loves us? It hurts me to think of the depth of his love, and yet, I have accepted it as something insignificant, and small. Not even that, let me see if I can explain it. Sometimes I see the Lord like he was the guy that had bad timing leaving a restaurant. You know how that works, when your wanting to go get in your car, and you get stuck holding the door open for people. I feel like that was God, wanting to go do other stuff, but we just happened to be there in time, and because he has a reputation of being a "nice guy" he decides to keep holding the door as my family walked into the restaurant. We have all been there. We all smile as families come in, and then the next family right behind them, and the next, and on and on....before long, you just get annoyed, and wonder who will step up and hold the damn door for their own party coming in to eat. I have felt like God has had that attitude for me and my family for a long time....now I feel different. We have been crying out for God to show up, and have felt like there was literally a wall between our prayers and his ears. I now see that it has been my sin, stubbornness and rebellion against the Lord, that I, not him, have created that barrier.
We are turning the corner. We are in such a good place. It is not the easiest place, but man it is sweet and good. Bekah has been an incredible source of showing strength, and inspiration of what Jesus would do. I am blown away by this woman. She has shown me love, and I am positioning myself to let her know, that it is well understood and recieved.
Bekah and I have always dreamed of continuing our life, after kids, as carefree and laid back as it was before we had them. It hasn't been that way. Life has gotten in the way, and in the process it has made me a parent that is regularly frustrated, and often going from laid back daddy to easily frustrated very quickly. The thoughts of wanting to be a consistent parent, one who sticks to his guns, and does what is right, blah blah blah, has seemingly robbed my kids of being kids. I have wanted obedience from my kids consistently without knowing the line of letting them be kids, and splash as hard as they can in the bathtub, instead of worrying about getting water all over the bathroom. I have even gone to the extreme where I despise giving baths, cause I know it will make me frustrated. It seems like you come around to being more chill in life when you get round two as Grandparents. I always wanted to be that way as the Dad, and not take life so seriously. Why is it that everything gets so serious? You feel so responsible, and that you need to do everything the way Dr. Ruth, (wait she is like the Sex doctor right?) or Laura, or Dobson would say that you do, instead of just trusting your instincts. There are no rules. I mean there are, but with each kid, you have to parent according to their personality, their needs, and how they receive love.
Its no easy task. No one said it would be. I am just so thankful for the hand that has been dealt me. I know my life doesn't look perfect. The cool thing is I don't care anymore. I know I won't parent perfectly. But dang those kids are going to know that their parents love them compeltely no matter what. I know that I won't be delivering a dozen roses to my wife every time I come home from work, but I do my best to show her in some way, every day, that I love her, just as she is. Life is way too short. I'm thankful that I am seeing this now. I have so much time. I want the world to know that my family is my priority. We are in it together. I am proud of them. I love them. I am thankful for them. You should know them too. If you don't, dang your missing out. They all rock.